My mind is running in circles, but my body is stuck in one place. I’m so manic I’m depressed. I didn’t even know that was possible. On December 20th I was in a car accident—just got my car back last week (new transmission, fuck). The other guy made an injury claim. I shouldn’t talk about this, but I can’t help but worry… I know how bad accident cases can get; although 2014 was a completely different situation. Anyway, I was in the accident on 12/20, then immediately started getting sick with asthmatic bronchitis, which settled in for well over a month. Two rounds of antibiotics, two boxes of nebulizers, a bottle of steroids, several inhalers, as well as a variety of natural remedies later, I was finally on the mend! Then I got a nasty stomach bug. A week later, I was recovering–again. Weak, unsteady, but finally on the path to recovery. I had about four good days. I planned date night with Jason, to be repeated every Thursday night (this happened to be on a Wednesday). We delayed it to Friday that week. It didn’t happen, for a variety of reasons. I took it to be the end of the world.
Saturday, I had a melt down. Full-on panic attack, tears and snot running down my face, whole body shaking, cowering on the floor. My husband asks patiently what he can get me. I choke out “Zig,” the name of our 15-year-old cat who I am way too attached to. Jason brings me Zig, who cuddles into me, purring and rubbing my arms, chest, and face. He is such a good cat; I can’t even express how much this cat calms me down. I’ve had him for my entire adult life. Zig is my favorite coping skill.
Which leads me to Sunday. Sunday, after fighting off the monsters in my head, Jason finally convinced me to leave the house. We went to Breakfast Republic for a late brunch (got there just before closing but they still served us- shout out!!). I had the pineapple upside down cake pancakes and 2 mimosas, then we went to Ocean Beach. I finally told him, sitting in front of the picturesque waves meeting the sky; the beach floating into the water; about everything I was feeling. That my anger was constantly dialed up to a 10. We had to walk down the beach because I was losing control over some kids playing nearby. My anxiety feels like an imaginary friend that is constantly stepping on my heals, reminding me of everything I have to worry about or I might be doing wrong. My heart feels like it will explode. My head can’t think straight. My depression is weighing. me. down. I’ve fought so hard against this during my injuries and illnesses; but this sadness has settled like molasses on my skin.
Most of all, I have these gaping, open wounds from my trauma. I’m in EMDR therapy (you can read more about it here: Comprehensive Therapy Website, I’ll do a separate post about it later) for my PTSD. I was diagnosed with PTSD twice, once after I was raped at 19, and again after a serious hit-and-run car accident at 28 y/o. We seem to be working on both incidents at once, for some reason, and so all of my deep-seated trauma and long-buried feelings are suddenly at the surface and ripping me apart. And not just for one thing, but everything is there—my two big traumas plus all the smaller traumas associated with those. I am angry all the time because I tried to hold that in and be grateful things weren’t worse/I had help. I always tried to focus on the positive, so now I am feeling a lot of negative…and I am not dealing well.
On the way back to the car, I fell pretty badly (because I am that coordinated!). I ended up with an ugly twisted ankle, some scrapes and bruises. Back to resting…and thinking, of course. I can’t seem to catch a break right now. All I need is a break from my mind.
The swirling negativity of today’s current events does not help things. I want to fight everything, because everything is an injustice. At a certain point, I need to look out for my own mental health…but there is so much more to be done. I want to be the change I see. But I am scared to leave my house. I am scared of everything, and yet angry at it all. I am a giant, seeping, open wound that does not know how to heal.